Day 47 - Vulnerable

Oh, this morning was not fun...it hit me like a ton of bricks.   And, I was so caught off guard - but it was there...That awful feeling.  I felt it in the pit of my stomach.  My sweaty hands were figuratively slapped with a ruler.  My face turned bright red and was hot.  Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart sank.  It was visceral.

I felt vulnerable.

Or, more precisely, I felt V.U.L.N.E.R.A.B.L.E.!!!

It doesn't matter what triggered this feeling.  And it doesn't matter whether or not the situation warranted this feeling.

Because it was there.  And in that moment (and many moments that followed) I felt it.  I felt it HARD.

Whenever I feel vulnerable, I am never sure what to do with it.  Mostly, I want to stuff into a sealed box and bury it so I can never feel it again.

But, what I have learned in the last few years is that stuffing it (ie, fearing it) does not work. 

So, today, instead I chose to let it exist.  

The tears flowed.  I became curious about it and reached out for support.  I was raw and exposed.   I felt fragile, breakable, thin-skinned, and weak.

Though, I do have some thoughts why vulnerability appeared today...Perhaps it was because of my insecurities that have been tested recently, or maybe because I am tired and stressed, or maybe the stars are aligned just so...I am not sure I will ever know fully, why, vulnerability snuck in. 

But I do know this: 

I will feel vulnerable again.  And, when it arrives, I will, again, feel fragile, breakable, thin-skinned, and weak. 

But that does not mean that I am fragile, breakable, thin-skinned and weak.  Nope.  I believe that by feeling it and allowing it to exist, it means just the opposite - that I am strong!

p.s. - Every time vulnerability sneaks in, I think of Dr. Brene Brown - a professor who studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.   Here is her TEDX talk that is incredibly powerful!  It is 20 minutes of goodness!